The dating world is hard, and finding your match is even harder.
But when you think you’ve found the one, they turn out to be someone you can’t even recognise anymore once the love bombing wears off.
Now, there are so many ways to find out if your partner is a narcissist, and what type of narcissist they are, but there’s only one major red flag that can determine whether your suspicions are right.
Matthew Hussey is a dating expert (YouTube / thematthewhussey)
Hussey is a well-known expert in love, having ran his YouTube channel for the past decade, where he provides all the best tips and tricks to improving yourself, understanding how to navigate relationship issues and knowing when to call it quits.
In 2013, he wrote a bestselling book called Get the Guy before releasing his 2024 book, Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily.
Now, he’s focusing on one major red flag for narcissism that can be easy to miss.
Posting on YouTube, Hussey explained that if your partner does this one thing, you’ll have your answer about whether they’re a narcissist.
He explained the major red flag (YouTube / thematthewhussey)
More specifically, how they deal with your emotions once they’ve apologised.
He said: “Many narcissists will never apologise and expect you to move on.
“But even the ones that can apologise, will often expect that once the apology has been issued, the situation is over.”
He said: “They will become incredibly impatient or even angry at the fact that you are still making a ‘big deal’ out of it.”
Hussey explained that the narcissist in this situation would ask, ‘why are we still talking about this?’ or telling you that they ‘thought it was over’.
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Hussey said: “What they want is for you to move on as quickly as possible, because they moved on the moment they did it. In fact, for them, there was nothing to move on from.”
Essentially, they inflicted pain and got over it immediately and cannot allow you to feel upset about their actions.
In the long run, this can be a dangerous cycle, where you are deflated and no longer know if what you feel is appropriate for the situation.
Britt Jones
In the digital age of dating, first dates come with a lot of pressure and a certain level of expectation, particularly if you lied about your height on Hinge.
But whether we like it or not, first impressions are a real thing and you don’t want to give off any ‘red flag’ vibes, which, in itself, could be a bit of a red flag.
Thankfully, US-based dating coach Blaine Anderson is here to help ease those nerves by sharing the three questions never to ask on a first date, reports CNBC.
1) What’s your dating history?
Although you might want to know the answer to this as soon as possible, Anderson says you must avoid all temptation.
“The only category of questions I’d advise singles to avoid outright on early dates is around dating history,” she told the outlet.
“There’s no need to bring exes into your first dates. Stay present, and focus on the here and now.”
Instead, she suggests: “Be playful, and ask questions that will make your date smile.”
2) This was great! Do you want to go on another date?
Dating is hard. And when you think you’ve met someone you want to see again, you might want to hold off from rushing things.
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If only all first dates could look like this (Getty Stock Images)
“That’s why I like to leave the first date open. I like leaving that planning process intact. Now, one person has to take a little bit of a risk.”
Blaine also notes that putting people on the spot isn’t likely to get a good answer out of them.
“If you ask someone if they want to go on a second date, 99 percent of the time they’ll say, ‘yes’ because it’s so awkward not to say yes,” she explained.
“You can say: ‘We should totally check that out sometime.’
“You’re alluding to something in the future, but you’re not asking them to do it.”
3) Drinks has been fun — should we get dinner now?
If you’re having such a good time and you don’t want the date to end, that is good.
But try and end it whilst it’s going well.
“The problem with the seven-hour first date is you have this false sense of really being intimate without knowing if over time they will be consistent,” she said.
“As good as it feels, even if you’re on the most amazing date I’d encourage people to stop after the second round of drinks.
“Leave wanting more. If the magic is there, it will lead to a second date.”
Let’s be real, no one wants to be regularly arguing in their relationship anyway. And surely no one wants to be in a toxic situation with a narcissist.
So before we even dive into those red flags, let’s clarify what actually makes someone a narcissist.
Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as a mental health condition by The Mayo Clinic where people ‘have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance’.
Getty Stock Image
And with narcissistic traits, can come unhealthy relationship dynamics and you might not even realise.
Social worker Monica Cwynar, psychotherapist Manahil Riaz and somatic trauma psychologist Justine Grosso told Huffpost several phrases that narcissists tend to use in times conflict.
“I can’t believe you’re attacking me, I always get blamed.”
Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how wrong someone is, they’ll always just see themselves as a victim.
And Cwynar said for narcissists this is due to ‘their deep-seated sense of entitlement, fragile self-esteem and lack of empathy for others’.
“They may use their perceived victimhood as a tool to elicit support or to shift focus away from their own problematic behaviour,” she said and as a result, they’ll try and put the blame elsewhere.
“You should have known I was upset.”
Grosso said those who are narcissistic may believe others should read their mind and expect you to anticipate their emotions without communication.
“I’m not angry, you’re angry.”
Now here’s a classic one, it’s a common trait for a narcissist to say condescending things like this during an argument.
Projection is ‘an unconscious defence mechanism’ as those with pathological narcissism ‘deny their vulnerable feelings because of toxic shame and emotion phobia’, according to Grosso.
“You’re overreacting.”
Grosso said a narcissist ‘may repeatedly dismiss, deflect, or invalidate your concerns or hurt feelings in order to avoid taking accountability for their impact on you’.
“If you loved me, you would do this.”
During an argument, Cwynar said narcissists often lean into manipulation.
Phrases like this make it hard to stand up to them and enable them to gain control of the situation.
And long-winded expressions that don’t really have a point
“There’s this concept called ‘word salad’ where they just might say things that don’t make sense,” said Riaz.
And as they keep going on with random sentences, you end up forgetting why you’re even fighting.
When in this difficult situation, the therapists recommend taking care of yourself.
“You need to set boundaries so that you can maintain a healthy relationship with the person,” Cwynar said.
Australian columnist Jana Hocking is renowned for her take on dating trends, from her experience with celibacy to revealing the crazy thing women do after a break up.
With love being so complicated, Hocking has opened up on her ‘mighty good reason why’ she won’t date someone if they have a specific job.
Writing for the Daily Mail, she explained: “You see, I went on a recent date that turned out to be a complete disaster!
“Why? Well, his job should have been the first sign things were never going to work out.
“It all started on a crisp Sunday afternoon when I had ventured out with the girls for a vino and some laughs.
“One of my friends accidentally cut her finger on a sharp Oyster shell and a guy from the table next to us ran to the bar and asked for a band aid.
“This Prince Charming came scooting back with the plaster and saved the day.
“It was all very attractive and before I knew it, we were chatting up a storm.
“We swapped numbers and agreed to a date.
“Over text he told me he had a vegan cafe and invited me to come over for a vegan feast.
“I thought that was quirky and could be fun. Spoiler alert: It was not fun.”
Hocking said it turns out that the guy ‘wasn’t just your regular vegan’ and that he was the type of person that ‘would turn up to farms and steal chickens, let cows out of their paddocks and abuse farmers’.
But that’s not the only job you need to steer clear of apparently.
If you work one of the ‘red flag’ jobs, do not take it personally (Getty Stock Images)
Doctors
Another jobs on Jana’s list was doctor, as ‘medical talk puts me to sleep’. Meanwhile, the type of person she leans towards ‘is someone more eclectic and creative’.
Each to their own, I guess.
Accountants
Jana, like many of us, loves to chat to her partner about their day, but listening to what an accountant does in the office would send her to sleep.
She said: “They would be horrified at how I tally my expenses and keep a budget (I don’t!) and secondly because I love chatting to my partner about their day.
“I want to hear about the drama, the theatrics, the interesting meetings they’ve had. Numbers just aren’t my jam.”
Office managers
For someone who likes to live a little chaotically, Jana fears office managers would try and overly manage her life as well.
She said: “My home is eclectic there’s absolutely no order to it, I like to make plans on the fly, and the only lists I make are for groceries.
“I fear we would not have much in common.”
It’s safe to say that getting cheated on is one of the worst things a romantic partner can do – and yet, it’s something that has been happening since the dawn of time.
There’s no set reason for why people cheat on their significant others, it usually varies from situation to situation, however, this hasn’t stopped dating experts spending their time trying to work out why.
For Australian dating columnist Jana Hocking, she believes there that ‘validation’ and ‘adrenaline rushes’ are two major reasons why people cheat.
“I think they take the risk because they think it’s sexy or exciting, or the sneaking around is giving their everyday boring lives a bit of an adrenaline rush,” she explained on TV show Weekend Today (via Daily Mail).
She then went on to explain that insecurities and a need for validation can also drive people to have a wandering eye, adding that: “There are also a lot of average guys cheating on like ten out of ten girls. That is the common theme.
“I think it’s because these doofus guys are thinking “she’s so hot and she could cheat at any opportunity. I need that validation to people to still think ‘I’m hot as well’.
“It’s ridiculous, but it happens.”
Psychotherapist Esther Perel has also shared her insights in why she believes partners will cheat on each other, agreeing that not all affairs are born out of poor relationships.
“They cheat for a whole host of reasons that have to do with conflict and discontent and disconnection,” she explained during an episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast, adding that this includes loneliness, resentment and a need for external affirmation.
(Instagram/ @jana_hocking)
Hocking also warned viewers about potential suitors who appear ‘really charming’ as it can be a major red flag in a relationship. This may sound a little strange – as most of us want to be wooed in the early days of our relationships – however, Hocking isn’t the only dating guru to mention excessive charming as a cause for concern in the early days of dating.
Dating coach Kelsey Wonderlin also noted that a partner being excessively ‘charming’ in the early days of a relationship can also be a red flag, especially if your new partner also appears full on and it feels like they are chasing you.
